Gay sex has been prominent in our species since the beginning, but it’s changed drastically in the last twenty years or so.
It’s no longer about being discreet. It’s about being quick, open, and down to drive a few miles away. There’s a wider amount of choices, which has created standard of beauty. In a nutshell, it’s no longer about the act of sex, but rather our role in it. There are so many things wrong with sex nowadays it’s hard to tell you in one article. I’ve experienced nearly every one of these on either side of the table, as I’m sure most of you have. So, let’s start at the very beginning.
Gay sex is "free" - but you get what you pay for
The real currency you pay in exchange for gay sex is emotional.
Because casual gay sex has turned digital, gay guys are beginning to treat sex as if they were ordering takeout. One swipe, two swipe, three swipe, boom – a sexy man is now at your door. Sex has almost no intimacy anymore, despite our endless need for it. We’re complaining how much we want a relationship, how desperate we are for romance, how much we want to put ourselves out there, yet we fail to practice what we preach.
If you think about it, sex is free (money wise). Some guys are emotionally stronger than others, don’t get me wrong, but with each "body" you bang, you slowly desensitize yourself from intimacy. In a sense, you’re training your brain how to deal with sexual situations: in a non-emotional way. This ultimately affects how you view love, romance, and sex for the long haul. Never think sex comes for free. It doesn’t.
Men have forgotten that pleasure Is a reward, not a punishment
Pleasure is a totally subjective idea – one that only you can be the judge of.
The sexual revolution of the 1960s and 70s was wild because people were actively pursuing sex, rather than being nonchalant about it. People expected sex to happen as soon as they left their apartment buildings. Gay men have told me stories about walking to the subway, finding a guy in five minutes, bringing him up to have sex, drinking a coffee and having him go on his way. This was a normal thing. It was something to enjoy (of course, the carelessness of it all soon proved dangerous).
Pleasure, in today’s sense, is becoming a punishment rather than a reward. You have gay sex; but rather than embracing it as a good thing, you think you’re slutty, you blame yourselves for going against your moral stances, or you assume other people are judging you.
Just take a breath and be thankful that you had an experience. It doesn’t have to be as psychological as you make it. No one can read your mind, so it’s rather easy to dismiss someone’s efforts as "ineffective".
We’re too "busy" to have it
We want to know everything, do everything, and be everything.
People are so busy trying to play catch up at work, socially, or at home that we forget to make time for a little hanky - panky. Being a child was great because you didn’t have the responsibility of worrying about bills, work, and your love life, but now we’re too fixated on being the best of all worlds; and it’s exhausting us. When I graduated college in 2007, we were at the peak of the recession. Men and women of all ages were fighting for jobs (there were no level - entry positions nearly anywhere); it seems like we’ve yet to get over the grind.
But, there is a limit to how much energy and desire we give to both the world and people. If you use it all up in one particular area, you’re inadvertently depriving other areas. Don’t exhaust yourself to the point of forgetting about sex. In fact, you and your man should put it on top of your to - do list and work everything else around it. Trust me, you’ll notice a change in how happy you feel.
We’ve become too paranoid about STDs
Never should you let the fear of "catching something" stop you from experimenting.
Sex is amazing, but you should always take precaution. STDs are serious things, but the lack of education can act as fuel for paranoia and anxiety. If you take time to understand STD safety, you will feel much more comfortable with having sex. First thing, stop looking up STD symptoms on the Internet! This will get your mind going a million miles an hour, and will most likely scare the living daylights out of you. You’ll never be able to relax if you’re constantly panicking.
Get tested regularly, always use a condom, and know (really know) how STDs are transmitted and what fluids they’re transmitted from. I can guarantee you they’re not what you think. Ease your mind by educating yourself.
Pornography is making us lose interest in reality
It’s become a nice way to refill self - esteem.
Porn has existed since the dawn of time. There’s nothing wrong with feeding a fantasy to our brains; it stimulates us and creates healthy optimism. We all deserve the freedom to fantasize, but no one deserves to be judged on someone else’s fantasy. There are countless of gay men who sit in front of a computer all day and watch porn. For some, they have the ability to separate it from reality; for others, they put it on the same platform.
Men with the latter habit tend to replace their favorite porn star with either their man (if they’re in a relationship) or any potential candidate (if they’re single). After all, why risk the possibility of being rejected by a man when you can have an even hotter one in the privacy of your own computer? The result is an alteration of perception. If no one is as sexy as a porn star, then they’re, in fact, not up to our standards of beauty.
We think sex ends at fifty
Becoming depressed simply because you’re a bit older now is never an option.
Who says you need to crouch down and hide in a corner the minute you turn fifty? This idea that sex ends when you’re older is a bunch of bullshit created by shallow teenagers, which eventually bled into the culture’s mindset. Youth and beauty go hand in hand when you’re, say, 25. By the time you hit 40, you realize it was all a lie. When you’re in your forties and fifties, the majority of people your age have broken out of their shallowness. Don’t get me wrong, everyone worships the idea of youth and beauty no matter how old they are, but men of a certain age lived, learned, and have come to realize that the hot guy wearing pretentious clothing standing by the bar is merely eye candy. Nothing more.
Sex is an expression – an animalistic act to let off steam, show affection, and release tension. That lasts as long as you do. Change your mindset and release yourself from the lies your high school yearbook told you.
We’re too scared to touch each other
Everyone needs to be touched. It makes us feel wanted, loved, and valuable.
Hookup apps have made us too comfortable keeping a safe distance, even when we’re face-to-face with each other. You might not think so, but if you look at the generation of high school students (that started their H.S. career with smart phones), you’ll see a vast difference between them and us. Kissing is one thing that no one should be deprived of. I might understand if it’s a one night stand and you’re a bit uncomfortable kissing a stranger (lots of people have psychological ties to it), but if you know the person and have gone on a few dates, kissing, touching, caressing, and teasing are all windows that lead to a closer connection.
ou’re never going to break through if you don’t do it yourself. If sex to you is all about penetration and getting off, there are some serious emotional things you ought to work out. Start with touching, it’s the first baby step towards connecting.
Fetishes are becoming competitive
The best kind of sex is the sex you’re open to do.
There are tons of people pressuring themselves into being more kinky, crazy, and open in bed. Of course I’m all for it, but only when it’s at your own pace. There are far too many sex-help books convincing you that you suck at sex if you’re not into BDSM, butt toys, role play, certain positions, etc. Trust me when I say, the best kind of sex is the sex you’re open to do. It’s when you’re at your most authentic.
We think every gay guy needs to bottom
He does it because he enjoys doing it.
Just because you haven’t bottomed yet doesn’t make you less gay, open, or able to connect with your partner. It’s all an individual experience you and your lover ought to work out together. As someone who took a while to start experimenting with bottoming, I’m happy I did it at my own pace. I’m pretty sure if I had jumped the gun and went straight for it the first time around, I would have a different idea of what it all means.
Some guys have a different experience. I know plenty who came out of the closet a bottom, and they’re perfectly content with how it turned out. But a person’s favorite "role" in bed doesn’t define who he is as a person, a boyfriend, or a husband.
We assume promiscuous gay guys have deeply - rooted problems
We’re all animals.
I was a slut in my early-twenties and it wasn’t because I was trying to "fill a void" in my life or was deprived of love as a child. Don’t get me wrong, there are some cases like this, but these men typically use sex as a replacement for self-acceptance, contentment, and social worth. On the flip side, there are countless of guys who have sex because, well, they just damn well want to.
No one should be judged because they have wider limits than you do. That would be like someone calling you fat and making you feel like shit because you had an extra hamburger at In-N-Out (we’ve all had those moments). Some people happen to be a bit more open and enjoy having certain experiences – and they’re mentally and emotionally content with themselves.
The only reason why we feel like we have to limit ourselves is because we’re intelligent; we’ve learned that reputation has a great deal to do with social acceptance. But for people who really don’t give a f**k, perhaps it’s time to stop throwing fire. It’ll only come back to burn us.
